It's a Pickle
by IamTheAlleyCat
Summary: Deeply disturbing crackfic involving the use of a pickle. It's a month to the wedding, and Bella is trying her hardest to get Edward to finally rid her of her virtue. When he leaves her all hot and bothered again, she turns to the next best thing.


**Disclaimer: **All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

**Warnings:** Mature themes involving a pickle; deeply disturbing crackfic. I blame it all on Jasper's Woman.

_Thank you to Simaril for giving this a good preread. Any and all mistakes you find here are mine.  
_

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**It's a Pickle**

It was a hot summer day in the middle of July. The wedding was a month away, and Alice was in full Wedding-Planner mode. Bella was tired, and she was happy when an opportunity presented itself to spend the day alone with Edward in the Cullen house while the family was out. Alice, Esme, and Rosalie went shopping—no surprise there—while Carlisle, Jasper, and Emmett went for a hunt. Bella wore that skimpy nighty that Jake told her he really liked when they were going over a Victoria's Secret catalog, and she really hoped that this would be the magic piece to convince Edward to rid her of her virtue.

She made sure to wear easy access skirt and blouse, and when Edward looked at her, she thought she could see a hint of something in his package. She was really hoping that it was just a hint because otherwise, she was in for a freaking very long eternity with a very small amount of satisfaction.

They went up to Edward's room, and soon, she managed to turn in his lap and get her hands in his shirt. He was playing along for a while and she smiled when she heard him hiss and moan when he looked down her shirt. She had made sure to leave three buttons open as she left her house. Bella knew that Edward would need some encouragement in that department.

"Bella...you'll be the death of me." Edward groaned and pinched the bridge of his nose.

She didn't really understand why he kept saying that. He was already dead, **very** dead if she were to count on the fact that she didn't feel anything poking her thigh yet, and she was freaking rubbing her thong-covered ass in his lap!

"Come on, Edward, let's get at least past first base!"

"But we're not playing baseball, love," Edward reminded her. "And you know that I want us to wait until after we're married to engage in such activities."

"But that's exactly my problem!" Bella huffed. "We're not _engaging_ in anything."

Edward decided that the best way to hush her would be to kiss her, so he did just that. He knew that it wouldn't take much effort for him to get her thoughts back on kisses. He could give her a little more, he decided. Moving his hands down the sides of her body, he let himself cup her ass and smiled when she mewled in pleasure. However, after a few minutes, when Bella tried to take off her own shirt for the third time, he decided that he needed a break. And Bella could use a cold shower, he thought.

"I have something I need to take care of, Bella," he said as he pulled away from her kiss. "Do you think you could handle yourself for an hour and a half until I get back?"

Bella pouted. "What do you need to do?"

"It's a surprise, sweetie."

"You know I hate surprises."

"I know, but I think you'll like this one." Edward knew that all he would have to do was find her a Jane Austin book or a collection of the classics, and she'd be placated. It was nice to have such a low maintenance girlfriend. He knew that she would be the perfect wife.

Bella huffed. "Fine, go. But come back as soon as you can." She tried to smile coyly. "I'll be all alone here in this big house..."

"It's not that big, Bella." Edward put her on the couch and stood up. "And if you need me, you know how to use the landline, right?"

Bella rolled her eyes. Once. It happened only once, and he was never going to let it go. "Yes. Go!"

She waited until she heard the Volvo drive away before she got up from the couch. Without Edward's cold body, she felt hot, so she decided that since there was no one in the house, she could lose a few layers. Stripping down to the nighty and thong she was wearing under her blouse and skirt, she decided to hunt down something to watch on Edward's laptop.

He had said before that she could use it and even told her where the movie folder was located. She remembered him saying that there were more than a hundred movies stored there, and now she wanted to see if something spoke to her.

The only problem she had with wanting to see the movie collection was that she didn't remember where the folder was. Edward had even showed it to her, but she was busy looking at his long fingers working that mouse and imagining how they could work her body. Simply saying, her mind wasn't really focused on the words coming out of Edward's mouth when he was explaining it.

So Bella decided to try random folders until she found the right one.

It took her a few minutes to find, "My Computer," and then locate the, "Libraries-Edward," folder. It had Edward's name on it, so it looked promising. It took a few more clicks, but eventually she found a folder that was labeled, "Movies."

Clicking on that one, she found the promised list of movies, but they all had weird names that didn't really tell her anything. They all had names of girls with words like, "machine," or, "toys," and she couldn't understand what they meant, so finally she decided to click on one of them.

"Holy fuck!" Bella yelled when the screen was filled with a woman who was wearing even less than Bella was, a horse's wiener going in and out of her. And that wiener was still attached to said horse. She dropped the mouse on the floor in her rush to close the scary movie. "I'm NOT in the mood for a horror movie right now."

Since she was not the type to like horror movies, Bella decided to go with a movie that had toys in it. Toys had to mean that it was a nice movie, right?

The movie started nice, with plenty of pinks and yellows. The girl that sat on the bed seemed to be a little old for the tiny skirt and top that she was wearing, but Bella had seen Lauren wear a similar outfit in her Facebook photos from the parties Mike would have whenever his parents were out of town. The girl in the movie seemed to be saying something to her stuffed animals, but Bella couldn't understand the language.

"Figures Edward would have movies in foreign languages," she told herself.

Bella was about to close the movie when suddenly the scene was cut to show a man holding a lollipop entering the girl's bedroom and the girl called, "Daddy!"

"Maybe this is a movie in English, after all," Bella murmured.

She couldn't understand why the camera was focusing on the girl licking the lollipop that the man was still holding. It wasn't very interesting. Then the camera moved to show that the man began unbuttoning his pants.

"That's not a very nice thing to do in a kid's room," Bella said to the screen.

A moment later, the girl was sucking on a very different kind of lollipop, leaving Bella staring wide-eyed at the screen. Blushing furiously, she dropped the mouse again before she closed this movie as well.

She scrolled down the list of movies and stopped on one that was called, "The Russian Institute." Thinking that it couldn't be as bad as the first one, she double clicked the movie. A set of titles appeared on the screen, with girls in school uniform appearing in the background.

"Oh, a movie about school," Bella said approvingly. "It should be interesting to learn about schools in Russia. I just hope this has subtitles."

After the titles, the movie showed a student sitting next to a man that looked like a security guard in a limo. A rustle from the outside of the window caused Bella to look away from the screen. She walked up to the window and glanced outside. Not seeing anything, she returned to the computer and once again knocked the mouse off the table. The girl in the uniform was bent over the hood of the car, and the man in the security guard suit was pounding into her from behind.

"What the hell—?" Bella shouted and closed the screen of the laptop, her cheeks bright red with embarrassment. Only after a few minutes of taking deep breaths was she able to calm down, open the screen again, and close the movie.

She was still feeling hot, so she decided to go downstairs and get herself something to drink. The Cullens always had some juice in the fridge just for her.

Bella descended the stairs with great care. She did not want to fall on her face and tear the nice nighty. There was still a chance that when Edward got back, she could try seducing him again. Jacob told her that if she lay on the bed in just the right pose, she could get Edward to do anything she wanted.

As he spoke, Jacob lay on his bed, bent his legs and spread them wide, and then put his hand on his crotch, smiling widely. Bella doubted that she would have the nerve to do the same—or that she would look half as hot as Jacob had while doing so—but she decided that if all else fails, she would try.

_Well, all else did fail,_ she thought. _I guess I'm going to try it._

When she reached the kitchen and looked in the fridge, she found the juice there, but she also found a jar of pickles. There was a note attached to it.

"_Use this. Alice._"

"Use this for what?" Bella wondered aloud. She didn't know what Alice had meant, but the pickles looked good enough to eat, so Bella decided to take one.

The cool, slightly tangy taste of the pickle felt really nice in her mouth. As her lips wrapped around it, her mind brought up images of the girl sucking the lollipop. That image was soon replaced by the girl sucking the lollipop of the man that came into her room.

Bella finished the first pickle and picked up another. However, this time she did not bite it. She wrapped her lips around it and wondered if Edward would be as big as the movie-man had been. She pulled the pickle slowly out of her mouth and looked at it. She noticed the small pimples on its surface, and when she gave it a slightly squeeze, the moisture of the pickle dripped on her fingers.

She felt the moisture between her thighs was gathering as well. She couldn't stop her thoughts from going back to the woman in the schoolgirl uniform and the man that was taking her from behind.

_Will Edward want to take me like that?_

Her breath was becoming heavier as the images continued to cycle in her head. She put the jar back in the fridge and took the pickle she was holding in her hands upstairs with her.

She felt really naughty. So far, she had only used her fingers, but this pickle was looking better and better with each passing moment. Glancing at the clock on the laptop, she saw that Edward had another hour before he would come back home and smiled to herself. She had just enough time to get rid of that itch that he had started and take a shower before he came back.

Opening the last movie she had seen, she pressed play and leaned back in the armchair. She watched the man take the woman from behind and then turn her around and take her on the hood. Taking the pickle, Bella pushed her thong to the side just like the woman in the movie had done, and pressed the cool vegetable to her heated place between her thighs. It was much colder than she had expected, but Bella reminded herself that Edward would be just as cold and that she should get used to it.

"I should start practicing with pickles!" she told herself happily.

She knew that if she jumped when Edward pressed his own pickle against her heated place, he would flash across the room before she could blink. Determined that it wouldn't happen, Bella bit down on her lip and pushed the pickle slightly inside her. The woman in the movie was taking that giant sausage inside her and making all those noises, but Bella knew that it would be a long time before she could use a sausage like that. She also hoped that she would get to see Edward's mini-man up close and personal before she progressed to sausages.

She also worried about the voices. The woman sounded like someone was beating her, and when Jacob showed her how he rubbed his one-eyed snake, he made sounds like he was choking. Bella didn't really know if this was normal.

She tried to do the same, but it didn't sound right to her ears, so she decided to stop and focus on the movie and her pickle.

She pressed the pickle to the top part of her heated place and heard herself make a moaning sound that was a lot like the movie woman had done. It also felt really good, so she did it again. And again.

Before long, she forgot all about the movie and about making the right sounds. The pickle was no longer cold, either. It was just right, sliding in and out of her. At first, she was afraid to push it too far, but when she realized how good it felt, she grew braver. She pushed it further inside her and then pulled it out. A really nice feeling began growing in her stomach. It was a lot like the one she would get when Edward kissed her, only ten times more powerful.

She now wondered what it would feel like if Edward was to kiss her _down there_ and blushed furiously. She pushed those thoughts away because the pickle moving in and out of her heated place was so much more interesting to think about. Then she thought about Edward sliding the pickle in and out, about him licking her as he did that. Suddenly, the world exploded in a million colors, and she heard someone scream a long, "Oh...Yes!"

It took her a moment to come back to reality and understand that it was she who was screaming. She took out the pickle with shaking hands, breathing heavily.

A sharp intake of breath from her left made her jump and fall from the chair.

Edward was standing at the doorstep, gaping at her.

Bella quickly tried to both close the lid of the laptop and pull the blanket from the nearby couch to cover herself. Of course, Bella being Bella, she managed to nearly crush the pickle with the lid and to fall on the couch when her leg was caught in something.

Edward was able to salvage his precious laptop from getting pickled, but the commotion brought Emmett to the room to check out what was going on.

The booming laughter that spread throughout the house instantly brought on the rest of the Cullens. It was only enough time for Edward to shut the screen of the laptop and pull the blanket around Bella's shoulders before everyone was gaping at the scene before them.

The screen might have been shut, but the laptop still continued to play the movie, and the sounds coming from it left no doubt as to what kind of movie it was playing.

Emmett was laughing so hard he would have choked had he needed the air. Alice's giggles spilled despite her placing both hands over her mouth. Jasper hid his face in her hair, but the shake of his shoulders made his emotions clear. Carlisle was wearing an amused expression that was very much like the one Esme had on her face at the moment. Rosalie was all too happy to see the perfect Golden Boy getting embarrassed.

"Hey, Edward, that's not nice to leave Bella so hot that she has to play hide the pickle on her own," Emmett said between guffaws.

Carlisle had to bite his cheek to keep himself from laughing, but Esme decided that it would be safer to hide her face in his shirt.

"Shut up, Emmett." Edward tried to be threatening, but his embarrassment was almost as big as Bella's, so the words made no impression on Emmett.

"Although I can't assure her that you're pickle is bigger, but at least you have some oral skills to make up for it. I mean, you mind-fuck us all the time..."

Suffice it to say that none of the Cullens, including Bella, were ever able to look at a pickle the same way again.

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_Thank you for reading. I hope that you are not too deeply traumatized by this one. There is a chapter of TLME posting this Friday, so hang in there!_

_Also, I have a new story that's cooking up. It's a Jasper/Bella, AH, 5-6 chapters long story that's already finishing. It's going through the final stages of beta, so it should be up here soon as well.  
_

_Until Friday, take care of yourselves and your loved ones, and leave me some love, people!  
Alley Cat.  
_


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